Fear and Shame about Asking for What you Want - with Tinasparkles - Cliff Media

Fear and Shame about Asking for What you Want – with Tinasparkles

A Slut's Guide to Happiness: Podcast Episode 47

Podcast Description

Chronic unhappiness and feeling stuck can often result from creating a life centered around perceived obligations to other people. The expectations of family, friends, and the dominant culture can reinforce shame attached to doing anything for yourself, asking for what you want or pursuing fun or pleasure for its own sake.

Underlying this shame is often an anxiety about rejection. Releasing this fear and shame to express what you need – and even what you simply want, whether essential to well-being or not – can be enormously freeing.

In this episode, Tina talks about ways that narratives in their childhood encouraged them to be smaller, quieter, and focused on the needs of others, and how they came to live a fuller, more self-authorized life.

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Porn and full-service sex work are often described as demeaning professions, something a person would do only out of financial desperation, trauma, addiction or coercion. Pixie Mae presents a more nuanced perspective. Many sex workers have spoken out against policies meant to “rescue” them from their chosen profession. Indeed, “the right to not be rescued” is one of the 6 rights identified by Sangram, a global sex worker organization. Through her years as a sex worker, Pixie has found personal power in the work, using her body and sexual creativity as a source of financial independence. Like 1 in 3 women, Pixie has survived sexual trauma; her sex work has helped her heal and reclaim her sexual agency. She also sees her clients experience healing and emotional growth through her work. In a society that tells us that our work is reproachable, Pixie offers affirmation and recommendations for sex workers looking to reclaim their personal power.

Developing Personal Power through Sex Work – with Pixie Mae

Social movements led by LGBTQ people and people with disabilities have achieved radical progress in public policy and social inclusion, in much the same way people have advanced cultural shifts in sex-positivity. Building from these gains, some organizations stand on the forefront of liberation through their work at the intersection of these communities. In the pursuit of more inclusive communities, LGBTQ people, people with disabilities, and other marginalized groups can find common ground in our shared experience of struggle and desire for belonging. In this episode, two Cliff Media leaders, Jordan, a person with a permanent physical disability, and Hannah, a genderqueer person, talk about the differences and similarities in their experiences living outside the dominant culture. They describe the difficulties of feeling misunderstood or excluded as a child and the challenges of being in spaces where everyone else is able-bodied or cisgender and straight. They also talk about the journey of learning to express themselves confidently for all of who they are. Through common experiences being in Cliff Media led by queer people and people with disabilities, Jordan and Hannah describe the power of being in a community with people who share and understand aspects of your identity. With empathy toward the healing journey of people who have experienced trauma, discrimination or exclusion, they also describe the significance and value of reaching across identity to build genuinely inclusive community led by people with multiple, often intersecting marginalized identities.

Intersections of Belonging: Bridging the Struggles of LGBTQ People and People with Disabilities – with Jordan and Hannah

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A warning that this episode includes discussion of physical violence. Although transphobia exists everywhere, it is especially difficult to survive as a transgender person in some places, from conservative parts of the U.S. and the U.S. carceral system, to conditions in many conservative countries. In this episode, we talk with Selena, a Russian refugee who fled transphobic violence and political persecution in her home country. She describes the bullying, assaults and intentional humiliation she experienced from her family and from her school. Nonetheless, she recounts how clearly she knew her identity from a young age and her persistence in being herself. Despite the social and political conditions, Selena formed clandestine associations with other LGBT people in her area, meeting with curtains drawn just to share safe spaces and friendship. She and a group of friends even went on public record advocating for transgender people. Her brave actions, along with discrimination in employment, ongoing violence and other factors, led Selena to escape to the U.S. In the words of Maya Angelou, “No one of us can be free until everybody is free.” Stories from LGBTQ folks surviving, resisting or fleeing dangerously transphobic places help us remember what it means to fight for authentic safety, happiness and freedom in community.

Living as a Transgender Woman in Russia – with Selena

Impact play is a sexual kink that involves hitting someone with hands or instruments like flogs, whips, or paddles to cause consensual pain or sensation. Although this is a well-known form of BDSM, representations of this kink often leave out the complex energy exchange that takes place between participants and the mental and emotional health benefits. In this episode, we talk with a professional domme who has provided impact for years to participants coming to her for a safe and cathartic experience. Hazel Havoc describes the heady, consuming experience of “topspace” and “subspace”, the energy exchange that occurs in these altered headspaces, and the effect that going into top and subspace can have on both participants. She shares perspectives on the role of the top in observing and responding with care to the energy of the sub, as well as guidance for how both can take care of themselves afterwards. With the right approach, this form of kink play can be a profound and healing experience.

Light Me Up: Energy and Impact Play – with Hazel Havoc

Much like high-intensity sports, playing with BDSM kink is more sustainable and life-giving when it’s done with an eye toward health and safety. Charle offers recommendations for nutrition, sleep, infection prevention, education, and emotional health before, during and after kink scenes. Whether you’re into Shibari rope, impact play, needle play, or more, tips from this episode may help you feel more confident taking care of your body and mind during play.

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