I love that you have both the sexy lingerie there as well as – what is this? 

Pixie Mae: 

It’s a heart monitor. 

Vanessa Cliff: 

Yes, live your whole body, your whole life. 

Pixie: 

This was part of a recent funny story. I wore this to the glory hole. People thought it was a camera. Then you have to explain to them, no, this is part of my body. I’m on a two-week heart monitor because I’m going to have surgery again. 

Vanessa: 

Speaking of empowering body stories! 

Welcome back to A Slut’s Guide to Happiness, where your body is perfectly imperfect and it’s safe to be as sexual, kinky, queer, or slutty as you want.

I’m excited to be joined by one of my dear friends and the Director of Community Organizing and Safety at Cliff media, Pixie Mae. She’s been involved with the company for about a year, and was pivotal in the organization of Cliff Media’s first Women and Queer shoot week last October. 

In this season of her life, as she mentioned, with her heart monitor and lots of other things, she’s going through some pretty serious surgeries that have on her bed rest for a few months. Yet, because she’s just committed to this work in this community, she’s still involved. For example, as part of the leadership team for Cliff Media’s first shoot celebrating people with disabilities coming up this fall. 

I also particularly admire that Pixie is always thinking about how to take care of other people as part of her role in sex work and porn, driven by that passion for healing and collective care, just as she did in her previous work in health care and social services. So during Cliff’s Media shoots, Pixie offers support to people for their medical and emotional needs as they dive into exciting and sometimes scary experiences. Even great joy can be a source of vulnerability and fear, those are huge emotions to process through and to learn and grow from together. 

Today, pixie and I are going to be talking about her personal journey through sex work and how she found her personal power through this often stigmatized work.

I want to start with some context. A lot of people, as you know, talk about porn as a demeaning occupation. This normative narrative is not unfamiliar to you. It goes: doe-eyed, naive young woman or, a woman whose outlook on life is defined by her sexual assault and trauma is drawn in by the allure of fame or the need for money and she starts working for porn companies. As she goes on, she starts doing more and more sex acts beyond her comfort level, sometimes what people call “depraved sex acts”. Sometimes a producer or co-star even behaves in ways that are explicitly non-consensual. Eventually, to cope with this awful reality, she’s driven to drugs and a hard life with the degrading reality of her work.

Is this true? Sometimes, absolutely. Is it true that labor is exploitative in all kinds of jobs? Sometimes, absolutely. 

I will tell you that even people have otherwise pretty open values often still hold this normative narrative about participation in sex work. For example, I transitioned from community organizing before my work in porn. Some of my dear friends that I really value and admire, who have similar values, still believed that making porn and sex work a bigger part of my life would be my downfall. 

If you’ve listened to this podcast or seen our work and Clif Media’s website, cliffmediaproductions.com, you probably know that I’ve never felt so much love, joy, community, or freedom in my life as I do in my work in porn now. I just feel so much more brightness and like lightness now that I have this in my life.

Pixie: 

Because you’re authentic. I can be who I am to my core, being in all aspects of my life. And some of the things we’re going to talk about later is, I wasn’t always able to do that. I am a woman of a certain vintage, and it’s given me the patience to decide I have experienced something like this before, so maybe I can help somebody in this. 

It’s transformative across any type of work, not just sex work. But I also come from a community organizing and labor background and health care. And so it’s work that lends itself to such a social justice aspect. That’s what I love about it. 

Vanessa: 

Because so many people in this community I have seen get so passionate about what the opportunity is. 

The first thing that I think is wrong with the overgeneralization about exploited women in sex work is that women are not helpless kittens stuck up in a tree, not damsels in distress waiting for a cop in shining armor. We are able to make our own decisions, even if it’s a situation that’s challenging on our own behalf. 

Another problem is that that media disproportionately features sensationalizing stories, like a pornstar that went into a terrible situation and now they feel like their life is ruined. Of course that’s the story that’s most lifted up because it’s juicy media, and it fits with the preconceptions about our society. 

The last part of that trite narrative about sex workers comes up when people talk about “depraved sex acts”, the downhill spiral of perversion and self-degradation. 

For me, that has been an incredibly good journey. I’ve done gangbangs and double penetration and ass to mouth and fuck chains and getting tied up. And a lot of people would think about that as going down life-destroying rabbit holes. But for me, it has become a source of connection and losing shame in a way that opens me up for joy.

If you are a fellow sex worker, we see you, babe. We’re here for you. And if you are outside the industry and curious about understanding the ins and outs of sex work, we’re here to offer you a sneak peek about an alternate perspective to what’s out there in the dominant media. 

Pixie, I’m so grateful that you’re down to share some of your experiences and perspectives with us. I know you’ve done sex work for a while, as you mentioned, from your 20’s up till today, with a diversity of good and bad experiences, because it’s real, like any job. I want to start on the positive side. Can you tell us about your first really empowering experience you had doing sex work?

Pixie: 

I don’t if it was the first but definitely in the top five was working with you. This is how my life works and my partners and friends are learning to embrace it. Things fall into my lap. We had another mutual friend who invited me to one of the shoots you had organized. I said, I just want to tag along and see what it’s like to be on a porn set. 

Vanessa: 

This was your first time on a porn set?

Pixie: 

That was my first time on a porn set. 

Vanessa: 

I didn’t even know that. She was like a happy fish in water. 

Pixie: 

I had no idea what I was doing. We get to the hotel and they say, this is a study group for clinical sexology. I said, well, I brought my textbooks, because at the time I was enrolled in school to be a clinical sexologist. 

Vanessa: 

Absolutely, it is like the universe saying you’re supposed to be here, we’re grateful you’re here. You were able to lead that conversation in the beginning of the roleplay. 

Pixie: 

Yeah, that actually turned into a real educational opportunity. The majority of people there were people with penises. I think we, both of us, have had such deep relationships that came out of that shoot. 

Vanessa: 

That’s true. 

Pixie: 

Out of that shoot, I learned that porn is really fucking fun. I have not laughed so hard or had so much fun having a sex in a variety of ways. 

Then we did a second scene that night. 

Vanessa: 

The cuddle puddle. 

Pixie: 

It was phenomenal. Because also I learned that sex was messy, sex was fun. We did the piggyback ride thing and I got dropped. In case you don’t know, Pixie gets hurt a lot. We’re trying to get to the bottom of it. That’s why I have the heart monitor on. But I loved that it was just silly fun. So that was my first introduction to porn, and that’s when I met you. 

Vanessa: 

What was empowering about it? 

Pixie: 

It was so empowering because it was fun. I got to say, I’m down to suck whatever cock. 

There was one person that – always be prepared for what you’re going to see and never say never – because to this day, I do not think I have seen live, in-person a bigger cock. And I’ve seen a lot of bodies because I used to work in the healthcare profession. But you took it like a champ. I loved the guy’s energy but I knew that bigger cock would tear me apart. So in that moment, that’s another thing that was empowering, I could say to the guy, no thank you, but I love you as a person, I want to talk to you. And they were so gracious. 

I don’t think we filmed that, it was one of the goof-off moments. But he let me put it in my mouth just to see that I could not. 

Vanessa: 

I feel like this is like a community that’s thinking about how do we do it differently, how do we play and enjoy each other and create spaces where we’re able to just play along and come up with silly things and goof around with each other.

Pixie: 

And it was the amount of relationship that we still had from that one shoot. I don’t want to name names, but several of them are now on our board and some of them, we shoot with them regularly. Well, I’m not shooting right now, but you are. And if you want to be a part of one of the shoots, like, here’s your shameless plug. You can get involved on cliffmediaproductions.com/apply-now but only if you’re over the age of 18. 

That’s very important. We were talking about the doe-eyed, innocent girl corrupted. That’s not my story. 

Vanessa: 

That’s a great segue. I’m a big fan of talking about tough subjects openly, because that’s how we learn and grow as messy humans together. I also know that some people want to take care of themselves by avoiding certain content. So for our listeners, a heads up that next we’re going to include talk about non-consent and assault, in case you want to tune out for a little bit. 

Pixie, you mentioned that this Cliff Media shoot last summer was one of your first consensual gangbangs, but this wasn’t your first time getting fucked by a lot of guys at once.

Can you tell us about the childhood experience of rape and then what this Cliff media shoot then meant to you in the context of your previous experience with rape?

Pixie: 

As a trigger warning, as much as I hate that word, I’m going to talk about an experience when I was under age. 

I identify as a woman and, while I am pansexual, I was very much raised in the American Western society of little girls, a cute little girl, when I started developing around age 10 to 12, meaning I started getting big breasts. I had huge breasts, but I was still really skinny. I used to have to take protein powders and all this stuff to put on weight, because I was a super hyperactive kid. 

All of a sudden, once you start developing, people automatically start looking at you differently. I can’t speak for anyone but my own experience, but older women started pulling their husbands closer to them. I could feel this animosity from women. But men – I thought were family friends – became very interested in me. So it was a very confusing time in adolescence. 

I was playing with some older boys. I was having problems with my parents at this point. I was 12 and have a lot of younger brothers. I’m the oldest child. I was seeking something. 

I started hanging out with the older boys who, in hindsight, why would someone who’s 20 years old be hanging out with a 12 year old? 

Vanessa: 

As a 12 year old, you’re not expected to be able to make those decisions on your own. 

Pixie: 

No. And I’m not faulting my parents. My parents were law enforcement and a nurse. Like we knew signs. These were neighborhood boys. They were my friends who got me drunk on wine that they stole out of some neighbor’s barn. Then five of them, between the ages of 14 and 22, proceeded to take their turns with me. 

The only thing that stopped it was one of the neighborhood guys, whose mother was also a nurse and a coworker of my mom’s, said “I think she’s passed out, guys.” He was not participating and I always thought he was my savior, but now I think even to him, why were you just watching? 

That was my first foray into gangbangs. I had told my mother previously about an experience I had when I was eight. I thought that some of my friend’s fathers were just a little too interested in me. He always wanted me on his lap. I didn’t like him. Because my parents were open, I could say, hey, I don’t like this, I’m just going to speak the truth. But my mother told me to shut up. 

I was supposed to shut up and forget about it. They just told me to learn to say no. 

It was easier to just pretend the later rape didn’t happy. I did not tell my parents because of my experience. I want to be very explicit, when I told my mom when I was around eight that my friend’s father hadn’t raped me, he was just grooming me, starting to want to touch me. 

Vanessa: 

You went through this experience of being raped in a gangbang and then you didn’t tell my parents. And then a lot of years later, you are now interested in and enjooy gangbang.

Pixie: 

Yeah. It’s one of my favorite things now.

Vanessa: 

I think this is really important because a lot of people I think assume that if a person has been traumatized, then they get stuck in a loop of reliving assaults. But actually you’re describing that connection as being really different for you.

Pixie: 

Very different. I now love gangbangs because I can say I want this, I want this today, I want it in my mouth right here, right there today. Or I can also say, today I don’t want anybody touching my mouth or whatever body part it is. Or I really love it when you rub my clit. For people that I’ve worked with, with ED, erectile dysfunction, one of the best things you can do is rub the penis against that clit. That’s what sex work is. That’s how you take it back. 

I had a terrible experience as a kid. Just like everything else in my life, because I’ve had a lot of injuries, I just decide, this kind of sucks but I can’t change it, so what are you going to do? I have a broken leg right now. What are you going to do? 

Vanessa: 

It seems like it’s not even the same thing at all. The same kind of actions happen in the sense that there’s one woman having sex with multiple men. But they are on the other side of the spectrum, they’re completely different, because of the existence of enthusiastic consent. 

Now I can go back and look at that gangbang that I had when I was 12. It doesn’t even deserve to be called a gangbang. It was just assault and rape. It was just flat out rape involving multiple guys. Language is so important. 

We really need to listen to children’s voices. Yes, I shoot porn and I love sex, and sex is for adults. Because we’re consenting adults, I can say I really like gangbangs, but I don’t like some other things. 

Vanessa: 

Yeah I think we can say, hell yes to sex work for people who love doing it, and there are some things like the exploitation of children. We do need to talk about the porn shoots where some dude is telling what to do and forcing you to do it. And, there are spaces in sex work and porn where it’s a real source of joy. 

Pixie: 

That leads us back to the other thing about non-consent is that I have been part of adult non-consensual gangbangs. I was going through a period of my life with a lot of mental health and physical issues. I hooked up with a dom who was a very bad person. He is the epitome of what gives doms a terrible name. He was extremely abusive. 

Vanessa: 

I think it’s real that there are some really intense traumas that happen not just in BDSM relationships but domestic violence happens in all kinds of relationships. 

Pixie: 

Now I’m healthier and I’m embracing what I want to do with my body. I’m embracing porn and sex work. I’ve always loved it. Why can’t I have a body that if I had a great athletic skill, if I was a star pitcher. People would be supporting me. But these guys are in your body for something in the same way. 

I think we’re going to get to later when we talk about our first ever all queer shoot. 

Vanessa: 

Let’s get into that.  Cliff Media has some shoots that are open to all people of any gender and then some shoots that are intentionally for building queer community and leadership development of queer and queer folks and women. We know that there are lots of spaces for white cis dudes to put out their fantasies and narratives in porn. 

We want to create an alternate space, a space that’s growing where women and queer people have leadership and are building a community that’s centered around personal power. 

So we have this women and LGBTQ shoot week in October. There were 30 queer people who came from states around the country, and one person from outside the country, to participate in four consecutive days of porn and producing seven large group scenes.

So during these shoots, Pixie was teaching participants about enthusiastic and centered camera and helping take care of people as a nurse and emotional support. So this was huge. 

Can you describe some of what you were doing, how you talked about consent, why it was important to you, and any specific interactions that stood out for you that week?

Pixie: 

First of all, porn work is work. Sex work is work. While many of the viewers are going to see the finished project that we did, and everything is out there on Clif Media, they don’t realize, making sure that everybody had water, making sure that everybody was fed. Because if you’re too tired, you’re too hungry, can you enjoy a happy space? Making sure of all of that logistically, then we had to make sure, how are people getting to the shoot? 

One of the most beautiful things that we talked about was consent. Again it goes back to what I was talking about when I first shot with you is, we go down with each person in the group and we’re like, what are your heel yeses what are your hell no’s? I kind of want to do this, but I’m not quite sure. 

One of the best things about that shoot was there was an individual who had come from outside of the United States to come to our shoot week. English was not their first language and I did not speak their language. But they were able to pull me aside after I think we shot 1 or 2 scenes and they said, want to work with Sofia and I just don’t know how. 

Vanessa: 

She was giving you feedback about things that she wanted that she wasn’t comfortable sharing with the group. 

Pixie: 

I was able to facilitate, for one, because I had my partner on set and, two, because I work with such dynamic people. I said, give me a minute. And we were able to do this beautiful scene with Bob and Sofia and YuTing. It was a beautiful double blowjob scene. They actually came while giving a blowjob. I thought that was incredible. 

Vanessa: 

When people are cumming from the emotional experience of something even without physical touch. That’s beautiful. 

Pixie: 

That was probably one of the highlights of working in this industry. This is why I do my work. This person has a powerful body expression on how delighted they are.

We’re going to have another shoot coming up in October, so you can join us again. 

Vanessa: 

We have shoots every month. I think it’s really important that it’s part of enthusiastic consent that everyone knows we are putting porn out to the world for the purposes of modeling what it looks like to build this kind of community centered on growing joy and inclusivity and enthusiastic consent. 

Pixie : 

We also require STI testing for everybody who is in the room. That’s a bit of health and safety. That’s a huge part of my job. I backed off of it while I’m hurt right now, but one of the things I love is we’re really clear with the STI testing, a lot of mainstream porn companies use a certain testing center, and they’re a great facility. But they’re out of reach for a lot of people because of the money factor. I don’t have an extra $350 every time I want to go to a shoot. We do require the STI results, but we can take them from your doctor. 

DELETE: 28’ish – 36’ish

Recently, my partner and I have been struggling. Because relationships are hard. It can be hard to be in a relationship with a sex worker. 

Vanessa: 

For some people I know, some people are like, hell yes, I’m a big supporter. 

Pixie: 

And there’s everybody on the spectrum. I think that’s one of the things that I have learned through doing sex work, both for as an escort, as a “whore”. I’m a whore and a slut, because I got bills to pay. And like I said before, if I was an athlete using my body, nobody would look twice. So why, as a woman with a vagina, do I have to have all these hurdles? 

Vanessa: 

I think one of the things that is really beautiful to me is how you talk about therapy, at the heart of all you do, whether it’s in porn or sex work, that what you’re motivated by is not just the money, although that’s important too, but also the ways that you are healing yourself and your clients. 

Can you talk a little bit about how that looks in your sex work? 

Pixie: 

Yeah, so I’ve done a variety of sex work, from escorting to, like prostitution, all the way up to shooting porn. 

One of the people that I work with on a regular basis, and I have for several years, is a married man. His wife is actually a nurse. I don’t know her personally. She knows of me by name. For a while there he would come once a week and I would give him a blowjob for an hour. 

Everyone’s shocked. But it was 15 minutes of blowjob. He got to have that physical release of climax out of his body. Somebody was engaged with just him. He didn’t have to worry about his two year old or this or that or pleasing me. 

Then afterwards, he often would cry and I would hug him, and he would talk about how much he would love his wife. He doesn’t understand these fantasies that he’s having about other women. And he doesn’t understand how he can be a good husband and a good father and want to play dirty little girl games. I said because they’re very different. 

Vanessa: 

You’re helping him through this kink. It’s functionally like counseling. You create this container where he’s paying to come to see you for an hour, and then he goes on to the rest of his life, impacted by the healing work that you’ve done with him.

Pixie: 

He’s actually benefiting his family. My partner calls me the hooker with a heart of gold because I’m not in this person’s life, but I get to hear the updates. He’s my friend. That’s the type of sex work that I like to do. 

A lot of sex workers, even some I know are very transactional or whatever, that is at the heart of what they do. They’re providing a community service. 

One of the things I always do and you’ve been out with me in public, I always say hello to the cashiers or to everyone, have a nice day. You don’t know what they could be going through. You don’t know what they’re going through.

I’m so excited because we’re going to have a disability shoot and it’s going to provide an opportunity for people to engage in sex work. I can’t actually give a blowjob on my knees anymore. Both my knees, I just can’t do that. 

Vanessa: 

You can sex in other ways, blowjobs in other ways. 

Pixie: 

I can hang off the edge of the bed. Actually, face fucking is on my “no” list. 

Vanessa: 

So you take dick in other ways. 

Pixie: 

That’s right. That’s what sex work is about for me, in all the different ways that I do it. You and I were talking about the people who like to slut shame and slam sex workers. 

How is what I’m doing any different than any other type of work? I’m providing a service and I’m getting paid for it. There are countries around the world who subsidize sex work for people who need that kind of support. 

Vanessa: 

I think that’s one of the things that’s beautiful, both about your sex work and about inviting people into porn shoots. We want everyone to feel wanted, loved about their kinks, their sexual desires and sexuality. 

Pixie: 

Ask questions. I still ask, what is that term? For example, slinking. 

Vanessa: 

What is that? 

Pixie: 

It’s a definite no for me, but I don’t kink shame, I support when people like what they like. You take these very long, straight rods and you put them so far up the rectum that you’re essentially roasting the person. 

But if you move, you can cause so much damage because you’ve gone through the rectum up the color with this stainless steel rod. Please don’t do it unless you’re under the guidance of a very skilled person. 

Vanessa: 

True for a lot of kink. I love that there are so many kinks that allow for continued adventure and imagination, and it doesn’t have to be a shameful thing. 

Pixie: 

Maybe that’s a really cool way for someone to get off. 

I had a hysterectomy in 2018 due to a cancer scare. I’m still trying to figure all that shit out, but one of the things that happened is everything’s gone, no ovaries, fallopian tubes, cervix gone, no cervical orgasms. It’s gone. They also took part of my vagina. 

One of the things I love to tell people is basically my vagina looks like a tube sock. If you hit it really hard, you can still feel the scar. 

Vanessa: 

I love that you’re able to tell people, this is my body, it’s different, everybody’s body is different, and you’re comfortable talking about that with people to let them know what you want. 

Pixie: 

Right. And actually because I might be a little bit of a masochist, a spicy girl, I say, hey, you can hit it if you want. I want you to feel it, because people don’t realize that the end of the male cock in its regular form is not as sensitive. It’s the sides that are sensitive. 

Vanessa: 

I want to wrap up, as we often do, sending a love note or a love note to our people, our fam. So in this case, this is fellow sex workers, fellow whores, whatever you call yourselves out there, we see you. We love you, babes. We’re part of your community. 

You’ve been doing sex work for years and finding yourself through this, finding healing and power through this. What are your recommendations for sex workers who are working on finding their personal power through this work, especially in a society that tells us we should feel ashamed for the work that we do? 

Everybody’s on their own individual journey. For me, I would say build your community. I know that sounds cliche. But building community is so ingrained in me. I come from Hawaiian culture. Build your community and find people who support you. I couldn’t do the work that I do if I didn’t have friends like you. 

We have lives outside of being sex workers, just like I would have a life outside of being a therapist. 

Vanessa: 

I love that one of the people we work with regularly says, well I can’t do that time because I’m going to church. But then after that I can come to the porn orgy. We are actually all full human people and that’s beautiful. 

Pixie: 

Traditionally a lot of religious organizations look down upon a sex workers. Mary Magdalene, a whore. Some people say that Jesus’s mother was a whore. We throw this word around like it’s a bad word and it’s not.

Vanessa: 

I love seeing how people in Cliff Media are increasingly saying, wait a second, I was on a porn set, that makes me a sex worker. It’s de-shaming this. 

I was almost crying as you were talking about finding community. That’s absolutely true, because when I started in sex work, I was feeling like, what the hell am I doing? Have I gone off the deep end? I internalized those narratives until I found people who say, hell yeah, me too. 

Pixie: 

I have a lot of medical procedures going on and I had what looked like track marks on my arms. A family member, more like an extended family member, said, I’m really worried about you. I hear you’re doing sex work again. I said, I’m worried about me too because this nurse had to stick me six times.  

Vanessa: 

I love that you’re redirecting her worry, it has nothing to do with sex work. 

Pixie: 

Right. I can say, I’m glad you’re concerned about me. If you want to help me, you can pay some bills right now when I’m not able to work. And they did actually slip me some money.

Vanessa: 

I think it’s so important that you’re able to control your narrative, even when someone is coming at you. You can say, no this is my truth. I know for me, I’m able to do that because I know that there are people who have my back when controlling my own narrative.

Pixie: 

Exactly. Because I can then go to you or to my partner, or call some one of my friends or people that I met in the community. And tell them, this person knows that I’m a sex worker and then I’m on drugs and I’m not. 

You’ll see me in your face, assertive, and that’s why I love impact scenes. And also, I’m a real person, I need friends and a community that I can cry to. 

Vanessa: 

I hope that some of the things that we’ve shared about how empowering sex work can be helps to provide nuance and understanding that, just like any occupation, there are instances where it’s exploitive and there are instances where in fact, it’s an enormous source of freedom, especially when you’re able to learn and grow together with other people. 

You’re not an isolated sex worker doing this in the world. We can collectively imagine, what does it look like when we’re using our bodies, our mind, our sexuality, our fantasies and our passions in exactly the way that we want?

Pixie, thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

There are all kinds of ways that sex work is stigmatized. And that’s why I think it’s so incredibly important for sex workers who are continuing to do this work in a society that hopefully we push towards more slut-positive structures and culture. But in the meantime, we stick together. We have each other’s backs. 

This has been another edition of A Slut’s Guide to Happiness with your host, Vanessa Cliff and Pixie Mae.

You can find us wherever you get your podcasts, including Apple and Spotify, as well as on cliffmediaproductions.com. 

If you’re over the age of 18, you can also check out our video content on our website, cliffmediaproductions.com. 

And most of all, I invite you to join us in the pleasure of being awkwardly human, naked and without pretense. 

Let’s get free.