Welcome back to A Slut’s Guide to Happiness, where your body is perfectly imperfect and it is safe to be as sexual, kinky, queer, or slutty as you want. 

Today we’re welcoming back an amazing human being, a leader, mentor, performer and director with Cliff Media. 

Last time we had a powerful conversation about their experiences of assaults and how that impacted their sexuality throughout their life. Today is a lot more light-hearted conversation. 

Both of those are important in the world. I also want to mention that GeeGee is coming from this conversation, answering some questions from our listeners, from the experience with slutty life in their personal life, as well as a lot of content creation and porn work on their own.

You can find their work on the Cliff Media website as well as their own OnlyFans. 

Do you want to give a quick plug for your work?

GeeGee: 

Yes, AliceActress is my free OnlyFans. If you just want, like, a sneak peek on the stuff I do. 

Vanessa: 

Awesome. So if you are over the age of 18 and listening, feel free to check out that side of their life.

Today we’re going to be responding to some listener questions on exploring your gender identity or sexual orientation and relationships and some diverse sex acts. 

GeeGee: 

Ooh, I’m excited for this one. 

Vanessa: 

If you’ve listened to this podcast before, you know that I usually blab at the beginning before introducing the co-star, but this time we’re just trying to jump in and have some fun with this. GeeGee, thank you for joining us again. 

You’re pansexual, right? 

GeeGee: 

Yeah. 

Vanessa: 

Okay, so that means you’ve had and desire sex with people of all genders? 

GeeGee: 

Yep. I don’t care what’s in your pants. I’m going to put it in my mouth.

Vanessa: 

That’s great. You’re also genderqueer, have been active in the swinger lifestyle, go to sex clubs and have been doing porn work. It sounds like you are, from your personal experience, hardly a novice at these subjects and have lots to contribute to people of all different kinds of sexuality and relationships. 

I think we’re going to take some turns talking about these things. I want to start with a simple one that maybe we can both answer. S

omeone asked, how do I give a really good blowjob? 

GeeGee: 

I love this one. I love blowjobs. I’m a big fan of blowjobs because I’ve gotten no complaints. I got a succubus tattoo for a reason. 

Everyone is going to be different. For example, some people want you to fondle their balls and some people don’t. So the first thing we’re going to talk about is communication. Ask what they like and what they don’t like. 

Generally though, when they say suck a cock, suck it actually like you’re sucking a lollipop, you want to put it in your mouth and suction cup, like you’re sucking on it. 

A lot of guys or a lot of penis owners like it when you gag. When you actually gag on the cock, your throat squeezes the cock a little bit. So if you want, you can get it in there and then gag on it. 

You want to lick it too. Because sometimes if you can’t get it all the way in your mouth, just take it and just give it a good old lick all the way from the bottom of the shaft to the tip of the head.

So get it in your mouth. Suck on it. Lick on it all the things. And do a little bit of jacking motion. Play with the head a little bit. Use your tongue to do a circular motion around the head. The head is often the most sensitive part. Giving is a little bit of a jackoff is a god combo there. 

Vanessa: 

Oh my gosh, I can tell that you love sucking cock, which I think that’s usually the hottest thing. And I’m saying that from the perspective of like sometimes I wear dildos and someone sucking my dildo cock, and when someone’s really into it and giving me eye contact with it, like getting their whole mouth all up in it, that’s so hot. 

Here’s another one that someone asked: “I’m new to being bisexual and dating women is kind of intimidating because I have no experience with it. I think we’re going to get ready to have sex on our next date with a woman. How do I start?”

Vanessa: 

Hell yeah, I relate to that. I’ll go back to the same thing you just described: communication. It’s totally okay to say, “I’m nervous.” Vulnerability is hot, it’s a source of connection. You don’t have to be the boss in town to have good sex. 

You can ask, how do you want me to pleasure you? What do you like? Where? How do you refer to your body parts? What gets you off? I think that can be a really good place to start, especially if you’re new to it. 

GeeGee: 

Some people with vaginas like their clit played with more than the actual hole. And some people are the opposite. For me, it really just depends on the day. Sometimes the penetration gets me going and sometimes I need a little bit more play on that clit. 

So you got to ask, where do you want me to focus my attention today? You can remember the seven androgynous zones on the body, like the inner elbow, behind the ears, the neck, behind the knee. 

There’s all these parts of a human being that you can just caress and touch and kiss and lick. It’s going to be hot and sex. It’s going to feel really good. So you have to remember not just the main parts, but the whole body has different parts that you can play with that feel really good.

Vanessa: 

I love that because I think when it’s not just dick in pussy, it’s a good reminder that everybody has erogenous zones, like you’re talking about. It can be true. When you’re not having dick in vagina sex, it reminds you to create space for those other connections and parts of the body. The pleasure comes from all different kinds of things. 

GeeGee: 

Yeah, take it slow. If it’s your first time, there’s no pressure. If your date is worth your time, they’re going to respect your process.

Vanessa: 

Okay, the next one, someone asked: “My partner watches a lot of porn without me. Does that mean I’m not satisfying him? Is watching porn going to make him stop wanting me? Should I be worried?” 

GeeGee: 

This is a tough one. I feel like I’ve had this conversation with a lot of friends, about porn and porn in relationships. There are some people out there that do not want their partner watching porn because of the way it makes them feel, because it makes them feel not wanted. I had one friend in particular, I’ll never forget this quote she said, when a man is watching porn, he is lusting after that person. I don’t want him lusting after anybody other than me.

This is tough. To me, does it mean he doesn’t want you? No, it’s just porn. I would err on the side of caution when it comes to OnlyFans. Because OnlyFans, human beings like you could talk to them and message them. So maybe you have concerns there. But if he’s just like on Pornhub, going through watching whatever is fine. If it’s just porn, it’s just something to help get him off. 

Now, if it does make you uncomfortable, that’s a conversation you should have with your partner. You can say, I am kind of uncomfortable when you watch porn. Have that conversation, 

Or you can also make your own porn together. That’s a really good alternative. You might offer, what if we make a video for you to watch when you’re alone and you need that extra time to take it off? You know, that’s always a good space. 

Vanessa: 

That’s awesome. Yeah, one of the videos that my partner watches most often, despite the fact that I’m in more than 200 public videos online that he could watch, instead he watches this little random clip that I made for him when I was super horny. So I think that’s a great idea. 

I think for me, one of the things that I’ve heard from my partners and from people messaging me online is that watching porn contributes to their relationship and the depth of their sexuality. 

I get new ideas from porn. Like I saw a video where someone was cumming in their partner’s scrambled eggs, which sounds ridiculous. I would never have thought of that myself. But now, because of that, my partner and I enjoy food play. In many ways, porn has contributed to the creativity of our relationship. 

Having that conversation, figuring out what it means for your partner, figuring out where your boundaries are, seems like it’s really helpful to make that a healthy part of a relationship. 

Be okay with saying, I’m feeling kind of insecure. Can you help me understand if this means something about our relationship or your desire for me? It can be hard but useful. 

Do you want to read the next one? 

GeeGee: 

Yes. Someone asked, “I’ve been asexual for a long time, but I’d really like to have more romantic connections. I also sometimes enjoy sex, but only with the right people. I’ve heard of the term “demisexual”, and I wonder if it applies to me. I’m also confused about how I can have a good time in the lifestyle if I’m only sexually interested in people close to me.” 

This is a good one. First of all, sexuality is fluid so you can label yourself however you want to label yourself. You do not have to say you are sexual or if that term doesn’t really feel like you. If you feel more closely allied with calling yourself asexual, even though you do participate in some sexual connections, that’s okay. 

Vanessa: 

Do you want to help define “demisexual” for folks? 

GeeGee: 

Yeah, demisexual means you can only have sexual connections with people when you have an emotional connection with them. 

I do know somebody in my life who had this conversation recently where they were convinced they were bi. But then they told me about multiple times that they could not get hard because it was a one night stand and they barely new the person. They were frustrated, I can’t get hard. I said, it sounds like you might be demisexual. 

They still choose to go by bisexual because they align with that more than demisexual. It’s going to look different for different people. 

Now do I think that you can participate in a sexual lifestyle? Yes, of course you can. For me, I can fuck anybody, I don’t care, I can go to a sex club and I do participate in a sexual lifestyle where I sleep with anybody that I want to if they want me too. But I do feel like you can make small connections with people where you can get off when you sleep with them. 

I also think it’s possible to be asexual and still want romantic or even sexual connections with people. It’s natural for us to want that. It’s really up to you, the choices you want to make and the things that you want to do and what you want to participate in. 

I don’t want you to feel any shame or guilt around any of that. That is how you are, who you are. If you are asexual, you want these connections, that’s okay. 

Vanessa: 

I think that those terms that you’re describing are really helpful if people are choosing it if it is giving them some understanding about their identity or about what they want. But you don’t have to be locked into that. You could feel asexual today and more demisexual tomorrow or more slutty the next day. 

There are also so many different parts of the lifestyle. There are some clubs that are primarily social clubs where sometimes people have sex. In these spaces, you’ll repeatedly see a lot of the same people. You can make friendships and emotional connections through multiple visits or communication outside of the club before you have sex. 

Other spaces might be less interesting for you, like adult theaters where you’re sucking anonymous dick. So you just find the right spaces for you in the lifestyle, where you can make connections, regardless of how you identify sexually. 

Okay, the next person asked, “I don’t understand why some people identify as gender non-conforming, genderqueer or nonbinary.” 

Ooh this one sounds like one for you. What do those terms mean and why does it matter? How do you know if you’re gender non-conforming, genderqueer or nonbinary? 

GeeGee: 

Yes, I love this one. So first off, let’s define “gender non-conforming”. It means you don’t see yourself as having any gender whatsoever. You don’t want to conform to society’s ideas of what gender is.

Genderqueer might look a little differently. It’s the same concept, but you’re usually dressing or presenting differently. You’re more on the trans side or non-binary, which is, please don’t talk for me, I don’t want to define my gender, let me just be myself. 

They sound similar, right? It goes back to what I was saying earlier about how you choose the title that you want to go by, and that’s what these are. People are choosing what sounds closest to them like. I go by genderqueer more often than not because I am pansexual, I am queer, and the way that I typically dress now. 

A lot of times a lot of my friends refer to me as non-binary because that’s how they see me. They see me as I’m just here to be here. I’m just being myself. Please don’t ask too many questions. 

I know somebody that is gender non-conforming. They look like a man. They have a full beard and short hair, and they wear dresses and skirts, and that’s how they are.

It’s just how you want to define yourself, what is most comfortable for you, what feels right to you? 

They matter because society loves to put us in a box. Society loves to say, you’re a man then wear jeans and you’re a woman then wear skirts. There are people out there that don’t feel that way.

A lot of times, I don’t feel like a woman. I don’t I don’t look at myself and think, that’s a woman. I’ve spoken to people who identify as women, and they tell me about how they feel. And I realize, I don’t feel that way. 

For a long time I thought maybe I was a trans man. But then I spoke to men and people who identify as men, and thought, I don’t feel like that either. 

So then I was lost wondering, what am I? I’m really neither. I am my own person. I have my own sense of style. I have my own sense of path and the way I want to go. It matters to have that place for people on the spectrum of this life that we call gender and sexuality, to be able to be themselves and express themselves without having to define themselves as a man or a woman. 

Vanessa: 

I think about the difference between someone who is binary trans, meaning they were assigned male at birth and now they identify as a woman, or vice versa, and someone who is gender non-conforming or genderqueer. It’s super important that people are able to identify however makes them feel more safe and authentic in the world. 

And you’re describing that there’s so much more than the binary, three or more genders, or a rejection of gender as a concept altogether. 

I’m also hearing perhaps, something that I’ve more often heard from binary trans people, about body dysphoria, that feeling that I don’t feel good or comfortable in my body until I am able to present as my authentic self. For some people, gender dysphoria can be associated with depression or suicidal feelings. 

I’m wondering if you have ever experienced gender dysphoria. 

GeeGee: 

I don’t personally experience gender dysphoria or dysmorphia. But when I look in the mirror, I feel like I’m not really a girl. I just don’t feel like one. 

I do love dresses and makeup, but I also love my hair short. If I could have a beard, I fucking would have a beard. I want biological children, but I don’t know if I want to be the one that’s pregnant.

So it’s a fluid, complicated feeling. When I was younger, I looked in the mirror and I wanted to be skinny. That’s where a lot of my issues came from. When it came to gender, I didn’t look in the mirror and feel like I hate this part of my body.

I don’t have periods because I hate periods and I hate the reminder that I have a uterus. And if I had a beard or if I could have a beard, I’d have one. That’s really it. 

Vanessa: 

If you could have a penis, would you want one? 

GeeGee: 

I think if I was presented with the option, I would say no. But if I could have an attachment that I could attach sometimes and take off other times, I would like that. 

Vanessa: 

Awesome. And your pronouns, you use they / them? 

GeeGee: 

Yeah. 

Vanessa: 

And that feels important to you, you feel more respected when people are using they / them? 

GeeGee: 

Yes, I do. My partner, he’s very new to this. He’s never dated anybody who wasn’t a cis woman. And so he struggles with my pronouns, but he tries. I know he tries, and whenever he says anything, gender neutral, I get this tingly feeling, like he sees me. The same thing with my friends, when they use they / them, oh, that makes me feel good.

I want to kind of side note this too. Anybody who uses pronouns other than what they were assigned, I’ve spoken to so many people, they don’t like it when you screw up and go, “Oh my dod, I’m so sorry.” Just move on. Don’t say, “oh my god, I’m so sorry” every single time. If you use “she” for me and you notice, just say “excuse me, they” and move on. 

If you make a big deal about it, it focuses the attention on me and it’s very uncomfortable. It puts the onus on the trans or genderqueer person to forgive them. And it gets old. So just move on. 

Pronouns can be hard to get right sometimes, because I do look like a woman. I dress like a woman. So people tend to default to she / her. A lot of my friends, they screw up sometimes, but they all know to just keep moving on. My partner does the same thing. 

Vanessa: 

I’m so happy for you that you have someone, your romantic connection, that respects who you want to be in the world.

GeeGee: 

Yeah. It’s the first time I’ve been with somebody who respects my pronouns, so it’s very nice. 

Vanessa: 

Yeah, that seems like part of you loving yourself and setting the terms on which you’re going to be loved. We teach other people how to love ourselves. 

Okay. Do you want to read the next question?

GeeGee: 

Yes. “My partner wants to get into BDSM. I don’t understand why she wants to do that or what it means. It just makes me think of people wearing leather and hitting each other. How do I get over the squick factor?”

That’s hilarious. 

Vanessa: 

I was actually sitting in a BDSM 101 session one time. It was at a swinger weekend. At the workshop, they had a lot of toys out and they were talking about different kinds of BDSM play. .

The first question from someone was beautifully authentic. They weren’t trying to be judgmental, they were just being honest. They asked, “Do people really like being in pain?” 

A lot of people in the room said, hell yeah. They’re like receiving pain or playing with power dynamics. 

What do you think? What does it mean for you, if you’re involved in BDSM and kink.

GeeGee: 

Yeah. It’s not always sexual. Sometimes it is just play. And sometimes it is sexual. It just depends on the person. 

I would highly recommend having this conversation with your partner. It doesn’t mean they want to hurt you or they want you to hurt them. If they want pain, it’s because pain releases good hormones. It’s similar to sex and orgasms, it makes you feel good. 

I like being bitten and spanked. That little bit of pain fuels horniness and it feels good. 

Does everybody who participates in BDSM wear leather? No. Now can leather be involved? Sometimes, yeah. There are different toys that can use leather. But if you’re not into that, there are softer ones, more feathery ones. 

I feel like BDSM often means more attention to the body itself than sexual parts. One of my friends said, we’re going to do a non-sexual BDSM scene. Do you want to watch? I said, fuck yeah. They tied her up on a cross and he just used different types of sensory play tools on her. 

That was all they did. It looked like so much fun. That’s all he did, he just lightly hit her with different sensory things. He was using banjo picks, I was like, I want some of those in my life. He used feathers and one of those like old style cowboy boot spurs. 

I think it just means you’re paying more attention to the body than the sexual parts and it can be really fun if you want to participate in that with your partner. 

Vanessa: 

It’s cool that you’re describing some of the different things that can be done, especially around toys and sensation. I think so many of these things go back to communication. 

Right now I have 4 or 5 different partners right now, depending on the day. I play with kink with all of them, but it looks really different in each relationship. On a personal level, I really enjoy power play. That can look like being tied up, trusting the other person and giving over that vulnerability. Sometimes I do like pain, either giving or receiving. 

I think a lot of it is about giving or receiving energy, and trusting that your partner is going to feel your boundaries and limits. Sometimes that includes having the willingness to push yourself to give to them. Sometimes that involves expressing where your boundaries end for the play session. 

I have another partner who is more into the sensation play that you’re describing. They really like the different variety and novelty of sensations on the body. 

So if your partner is into BDSM, that’s a huge umbrella and it helps to figure out what it is that they get from it or want from it with you or with other people.

Okay, the next question, someone asked, “I want to have sex with a friend who is trans.” I think in this question they’re talking about binary trans, so someone who identifies as a different gender than they were born at birth. And the rest of the question – “I don’t know what to call their body parts when we’re having sex. What should I do?”  

GeeGee: 

Ask them. 

Vanessa: 

Wait, you don’t mean everyone calls the vagina a pussy or a cunt? 

GeeGee: 

Yeah, definitely just have that open communication. Ask, what do you like your parts called? Like, what do you like your chest or your breasts called? What do you call your clit, your pussy? What do you want them called? And listen. That’s the best advice I can give. 

Vanessa: 

I loved it when we were in the opening circle before a Cliff Media shoot and someone suggested asking people what they call their downstairs. I love that phrasing. 

I was amazed by how many different words people had. For example, lady cock. I wouldn’t have ever thought to say that if they hadn’t told us that’s what they wanted. 

GeeGee: 

Okay, next question, “My partner and I are starting to explore non-monogamy. They wanted to do a full swap, but I’m nervous that seeing them having sex with someone else will make me jealous. I want to support them, but I don’t know how to get over this feeling.” 

Oh, I love this, this is a great question. My partner and I are exploring non-monogamy. We also want to do a full swap, but we are both very nervous about watching the other person have sex with somebody that isn’t us.

Vanessa: 

You’ve talked about it. 

GeeGee: 

Yes. We decided to start off the tiniest of baby steps first, which is making out with other people, and that’s it. That’s all we’re doing right now. It’s just making out with other people and seeing how we feel about that. 

So far, it’s going really well, but we’re still nervous about doing a full swap. I think our next step is playing with other people. But again, like we’re taking it one step at a time. 

Have that open communication with your partner. And I fully support and suggest taking those teeny tiny little baby steps at first, whatever those baby steps look like to you, even if they’re just talking with people that aren’t your partner in a sexual manner.

I also suggest sex clubs because those are really good places to open with that. Some can be very consent-based so you can say, my partner and I are very new to non-monogamy. We don’t want to do a full swap yet, but is it okay if we take some of your time to talk to you and see what that looks like for you?

I also suggest they at the club I go to Swinger 101 nights. And there’s a night where men go just to ask questions with each other, just to say, hey, I’ve never done this, what advice can you give me? Go online, look up sex-positive educational or supportive social spaces in your area and go to them. 

Vanessa: 

It’s beautiful that everyone has different approaches to this. I absolutely think that that’s a great idea in relationships to consider taking it really slow. I found that I personally work a little differently. If I’m feeling insecure or jealous, I want the exposure therapy of being pushed to my extreme limits. That’s why I like being cucked, because it forces me to turn my insecurity into eroticism.

For example, one of my partners will tie me up and attach me to something and make me watch as he’s fucking some guy’s ass and he’s using the most, intense kink terms that he knows will make me really jealous. We do that specifically for the purpose of pushing me to get through any emotional problem I’m having. 

It’s not from the place of being mean. It’s more like I want to work through it, so I’m pushing myself to do this at the extreme. 

GeeGee: 

Yeah. You can go either way. It really just depends on, like, what you and your partner want to do. 

Vanessa: 

Okay, next person says, “I can’t take anything bigger than a pinky finger in my ass.” 

Oh, Lord, I remember that, I feel it. Yes. 

“I’m a big guy, and I want to feel guys fuck me in the ass, but it’s still really painful for me.”

GeeGee: 

So I don’t have a ton of experience with this. I don’t like anal play much at all. I’ve tried it many, many times and I just don’t like it now. That’s just me. 

There are different ways to do it. There are ways. There’s tons of articles online that you can go up and look up and read. But I know this one that I found where he said he took a whole month, where every day he put something slightly bigger in his ass with lots and lots of lube and very, very slowly until the end of the month, he was able to take his boyfriend’s cock.

Vanessa: 

Yes, the body needs to be trained, mostly emotionally trained, whether you’re doing that with masturbation or a partner. I like connecting that process with eroticism. 

First of all, if someone is sliding their finger in your ass, that means they’re consenting to any possible mess. So you can just release the fear that you’re going to make a mess on them because you do, all good, everyone knows what butts do.  

Then focus on why you want it, what that connection is about or what that play is about, whatever the sexual reason is that you want to do it. That allows you to convert that pain into erotic pleasure. 

I also just wanted to end with highlight what you said that felt super important. You also don’t have to take anything in your ass to have real hot sex, no matter what body part someone else has. 

Okay, you want to do this one? 

GeeGee: 

Yes. “I have a crush on this girl on my volleyball team, but I don’t know how to make a move or ask her out. What should I do?” 

Oh, my gosh, I understand that feeling. I really do. The number one thing that I find super easy is to always give women compliments. Hi. I think your hair’s really gorgeous today. What did you do to it? And then just go from there. That opens the conversation. 

Now you guys are talking and now you’ll start to feel a little bit more comfortable to say something like, can I see you some time? 

I want to highlight something: Be okay with being told no. Know you’re going to get rejected sometimes. You’re going to get 100 times more rejections. Then you’re going to get yeses and hell yeses and all that stuff. Be okay with that. I know it sucks. It really, really sucks and it hurts. Accept that hurt. Accept that space and try again to somebody else. 

Vanessa: 

I was just listening to a podcast today where someone was talking about a personal growth project they created for themselves. For 100 days, they required themselves to go to strangers and make a really outlandish request of someone that would result in rejection. 

For example, he went to a security guard and he said, could I have $100? Of course not. But he was. He was inoculating himself to the experience of rejection. 

So then, can I get your number? Would you like to go on a date with me, knowing that not only is it okay if you say no, that’s a gift to me, because then I know that any kind of yes is a real yes.

I think it’s also about simply putting yourself out there. I have a friend whose approach to asking someone to have sex at a sex club after they’ve had some kind of connection on the dance floor or chatting, he’d ask, “Would you like to go fuck?” 

I think that’s really vulnerable because the answer could easily be no, and it’s only an appropriate question if after no, you leave it alone and don’t ask again. But I love the direct communication. 

GeeGee: 

Yeah, I’ve gotten that at sex clubs. I’ve had people come up to me, we’ve had a little bit of conversation, then they ask me if I want to go fuck and I say no. I get one of two responses all the time. It’s always either, “Okay, thank you, have a nice night.” or “Well, I’ve been enjoying our conversation, is it okay if I continue to talk to you for a little bit.” Then that’s cool too because now I’m just conversing with somebody who knows I’m not going to fuck them. 

Vanessa: 

Yeah, I think there are similarities in interactions across any gender. Like you said, I think compliments are a good way to begin opening flirting, because affirming people that they’re physically or emotionally attractive can feel really good. Beyond that, direct communication matters. Someone being willing to ask is huge. Confidence is hot. 

Alright, we have two more then we’ll wrap this up. Someone said, “I have a hard time orgasming during sex with my partner. I want to feel sexually connected to him. I hate seeing my partner feel guilty and rejected knowing they can’t make me cum. How do I get past this roadblock? Does this mean he’s the wrong person for me?” 

GeeGee: 

Wow, that’s a heavy one.

First thing I would ask is, are you on any medications? Did you just recently start taking any medication? Did your diet change? Is there a stressor on your mind lately that you haven’t gone through or overcome? There’s a million reasons why you can’t cum with your partner that have nothing to do with you or your partner.

I think the first step is trying to find that out. What has changed? What else is going on? Is there something on your mind, like trying to figure out one of those routes? 

And if it’s not, if you’re not on any medication, if you’re not denying your brain something, if you truly think it has to do with you or your partner, introduce toys. There is no shame in introducing toys. It is way more fun. And trust me, the orgasms are amazing.

Just introduce maybe a small vibrator or a cock ring that vibrates because those are cool. Maybe try a blindfold. Or if you’re too scared to try anything else, you might try just going slower, focus on foreplay for way longer.

I know for me, if we just jump right in the sex, I’m not orgasming at all. It’s just not happening. If we focus way more on foreplay for a good 15-20 minutes, then we get into the sex, then I’m probably going to cum 3 or 4 times. That’s just how my body works. So you have to ask yourself that.

I am on medication that makes it hard for me to cum. And so I really can only cum just a handful of times before my body is like, that’s all you’re getting. So definitely look into that. 

Vanessa: 

I have found that I have some partners that I orgasm really hard with. I have really intense sex with them, and with other partners, we have a fun sexual time, but I don’t necessarily have a lot of orgasms or we don’t have as deep a sexual connection. 

I think that is one advantage of being polyamorous because I can have different types of connection with different partners. Not having as many orgasms with one partner doesn’t mean that we don’t have a valuable relationship.

I know that there are some people who like only orgasm through clit stimulation. So that’s great that you’re talking about vibrators and toys. 

But if you don’t orgasm, that’s okay too. I actually I’ve also been with several partners who only ever orgasm through masturbation. It can be such a private, vulnerable thing that they don’t do that with any partners. 

There can be so many reasons why and it doesn’t necessarily have to mean anything either about your body or your connection. 

GeeGee: 

nd that doesn’t mean he’s not right for you, and I’m sorry to say, but like, the body is so complicated and there’s so much going on with the body that just because you can’t orgasm with your partner doesn’t mean he’s not right for you. You can talk it out. 

Alright, last question. “I haven’t been wanting sex lately because I’ve gained a lot of weight and I feel bad about my body. I don’t want to lose my partner. I miss feeling sexy, but it’s hard to get it on while I’m self-conscious and feeling gross about myself. What can I do?” 

Oh my goodness, I relate to this a lot. Do you have extra money because I would recommend paying for a boudoir shoot? I would honestly find somebody that does boudoir and do a boudoir shoot because they are amazing at making you feel sexy. 

Buy some brand new lingerie that fits. Don’t buy one that’s too small or too big. Buy what fits and what feels good. Go to a photographer and have a shoot done.

Then go to your partner and look at those completed photos together and talk about them, like, wow look at this position, your ass looks really good like that. Before you know it, you’ll feel sexy. Trust me. 

Vanessa: 

Yeah, I used to really feel insecure. I had serious acne up until a year ago, and I also have stretch marks from pushing a human out into the world. I felt really insecure about those things. 

One of the things that helped me through that was doing porn and putting it onto the internet. When people responded saying it was hot, it lessened the insecurities about my body. 

There are a couple of folks in our community who identify with the term fat. They are amazing, talking about their fat, sexy bodies with such confidence. I love that attitude. Rather than saying, I need to go exercise and diet and make myself right, your body is actually amazing. Right now, exactly as it is.

The most attractive thing is being happy, being confident and being emotionally vulnerable. None of those things require any change to your body shape. 

GeeGee: 

You can be fat and you can be sexy. 

Vanessa: 

Hell yes. I love bellies.

All right. Thank you folks for sending in your questions. And thank you GeeGee, oh my gosh, all of your wisdom on so many different topics. 

This has been another edition of A Slut’s Guide to Happiness with your host, Vanessa Cliff and our guest, GeeGee. 

You can find us wherever you get your podcasts, including Apple and Spotify, as well as on cliffmediaproductions.com. 

If you’re over the age of 18, you can also check out our video content on our website, cliffmediaproductions.com. 

And most of all, I invite you to join us in the pleasure of being awkwardly human, naked and without pretense. 

Let’s get free.