Welcome back to A Slut’s Guide to Happiness, where your body is perfectly imperfect and it’s safe to be as sexual, kinky, queer, or slutty as you want. 

I’m super excited today to be joined by Foxie Roxy. She is an incredible leader with Cliff Media, an adult production company led by women, queer and trans people that invites all good-hearted people to join in producing wholesome smut.

Foxie is also an artist and a creative person, with a delightfully adventurous and authentic approach to life that I have seen show up in so many ways, from the incredible scene that she produced, to interactions that just lit up the room with lots of different people. Foxie is a go-getter with tons of spirit, transforming relationships with people. 

I’m so excited that we get to talk about a fun and silly topic, and also a very common question that people have asked, How do I go to a sex club? What happens? Is that a safe place to go? We got you, boo. 

When I first discovered there were sex clubs out there, maybe six years ago, I was in total awe. Because, as you all know, if you’ve listened to the podcast before, I used to just slut at home in my apartment, sometimes with five different guys in a week. I definitely thought that it was related to mental illness. I thought no one else in the world was doing it. 

Then I went to a sex club and discovered other people in the world like me. So going to a sex club was my first entry point to the swinger world, the swinger life, slutty life, porn life now. I learned that I’m not weird, there are lots of other people that are like me.

That’s one of the biggest reasons why I am so excited to talk with folks about sex clubs, not necessarily because of the clubs themselves, but because of the opportunity to find your people. This can be one of the places where you find spaces to be your authentic self and connect with other people without the mask. 

Without further ado, Foxie, I’m so glad to have you on the podcast. 

Foxie: 

I’m so happy to be here. 

Vanessa: 

Can you tell us about the first time you went to a sex club. How’d you get there? Who took you? Where’d you go? 

Foxie: 

Okay, so the first time I went to a sex club, it was in Portland, Oregon, and I went to The Velvet Rope, which is a fantastic club there. I went with my partner and a sex worker that we had seen a few times together. 

She was the first woman I had ever had sex with. She was also the first person I participated in a threesome with. I asked her to be my slut mentor, and she said yes. 

Vanessa: 

I fucking love that term, “slut mentor”. Did you come up with that?

Foxie: 

Yes. We were driving the car actually, we were driving to the sex club and I was like, I think you’re kind of my sex mentor. She just said, I love that. 

I had so many questions. I just didn’t know what I was doing, but I knew I was bi and I knew that I wanted all of these experiences, as much as I possibly could. 

We went to the sex club for the very first time. The sex club there is great. You walk in, sign in and pay the fee. The fees can vary for a sex club. They usually have a membership fee and an entrance fee. Be prepared for that. If you’re going to a sex club, make sure you know how much it costs, visit their website. 

You go in and they make you feel very welcome. This place in particular, they won’t let you go in unless they give you a tour first. You also go through all of the consent rules that they have. And you sign a release form saying, “yes, I will do things consensually, and if not, I know I will get kicked out.” That made me feel pretty comfortable right off the bat. 

I was just so curious. After the tour and everything, we started to walk through the club. I remember the first room I saw, with two people having sex, I was drawn to it like a magnet. I feel like I just kind of floated over to the room because I couldn’t stop watching. 

I was just like, oh, my God, this is amazing. People are just doing this out in the open. This is so rad. 

Vanessa: 

This was the first time you’ve seen something that? 

Foxie: 

Yeah. So I walked right towards it and asked, can I come in? I was good with the questions. I was fully clothed at this point, I still had my bag. And I walked into the room and I was just like, oh my God, can I kiss you? Can I touch your tits? The guy was like, oh my God, you have too many clothes on. 

Then I realized what I was doing. It was my place for sure. It was totally my place. I fell in love with sex clubs after that. I wanted to go all the time. I loved all the attention. I loved all the different ways you could express your sexuality. 

I have kind of a hard time meeting people, so I did challenge myself to go by myself a couple of times. That was really great. Yeah, that was my first time in a sex club. 

Vanessa: 

That’s incredible. You’re in this new environment and you’re already using brave phrases to ask for what you want. That’s probably not the norm. 

Foxie: 

No. Absolutely not. Everybody looked at me like, what are you doing? And I just did not care. I was like, oh my God, I am so into this person. 

Vanessa: 

So you went in with your mentor and your partner, and they’re watching you. You’re asking, can I touch this? What were your partners doing? 

Foxie: 

Well, I was kind of following behind them, and I just kind of disappeared. They turn around, they’re like 3 or 4 steps ahead of me, and then they turn around and ask, what are you doing down here? It was great. 

We did all sorts of fun things in the sex club. I think my favorite thing that my slut mentor and I did was, they have a room there that has a glass window. You can see everything in the room. We just camped in there and let anybody who wanted to come up. It was great. That’s my favorite thing to do. 

Vanessa: 

I love that you mentioned something that was really transformative for me, the idea that people had to agree to consent. 

I started my slutting journey in the Craiglist days where there’s no conversation that happens about consent. There’s no one at the door that’s like, you sign up on Craigslist, therefore, you’re going to be, acting in a way that respects consent. 

At sex clubs, it’s different. It’s trying to cultivate an environment for safety. 

Foxie: 

Yeah, exactly. Another thing that I really loved about it is that there were a lot of staff there that would wander around and monitor. They also have volunteers. You can go and volunteer there to just kind of watch things and make sure everything’s going alright. If anybody needs lube or condoms or whatever, they’re just always there to help you. 

If there’s a big gangbang going on or a lot of things going on at once, a lot of people, a big orgy or something like that, they’re standing there to make sure everything is safe. That made me feel really comfortable as well, especially as a woman.

Vanessa: 

One of the questions that I’ve been asked is what even happens at a sex club. Do people walk in and you immediately start fucking everybody? Do people only fuck the people that came with? Is there anything more than fucking going? 

Foxie: 

All of the above. Absolutely. Each club has its own vibe and different things that are entertaining besides just sex. At The Velvet Rope for example, they have a bar and they’ll do events like karaoke or have shows, like impact shows. It’s kind of like a 70s bar type of atmosphere, which is really fun. Then you can just kind of wander from there. 

That’s a great place to meet people. They have pool tables and hot tubs. You can’t have sex in the hot tub, so, you know, you go in there just to relax. There are lots of fun things to do. 

Other clubs I’ve been to, like a club called Hawks, it’s more of a bathhouse. When you go in, you give them your shoes, and then you have a locker where you put your clothes and you’re just naked the whole time with a towel. 

Outside, they have a hot tub and a sauna. All the things you would think of for a bathhouse. They have amazing huge orgy areas, swings and glory holes, of that kind of stuff, which is really fun. They have female gloryholes, which is really fantastic. I love that.

Vanessa: 

For folks who are listening, can you describe what that is? 

Foxie: 

Yeah, it’s a woman in the gloryhole instead of a dick in the hole. 

Vanessa: 

Have you ever done that? 

Foxie: 

Actually, I haven’t done that yet, but I’ve watched people do it. It looks really fun. You kind of have to have somebody there watching a little bit, just to make sure. But Hawks is primarily a gay club. They have a couple of bi nights and those nights are totally different.

Then sanctuary, which is a place a lot of us have been to, that place has a completely different vibe as well. It’s really open. They have a bar there. They have a stage. They have a dungeon in the back that has a big St. Andrew’s Cross and beds back there so you can fuck. There’s a table and benches so that you can do impact play. 

They have really great events there, but it’s not as many places to fuck, if that makes sense. 

Vanessa: 

Yeah. I used to take some of my friends who were wanting to try out the idea of stepping outside of monogamy to Sapphire in the Seattle area. And one of the challenges that they had is that while there’s a dance floor and there’s opportunities for talking, there’s not as much diversity in the types of activities that happen pre-sex. There’s just a lot of sex rooms. 

I’m hearing that some of the clubs that you describe have different kinds of things, like karaoke, games or other ways that single people can connect. 

Foxie: 

What I like about Hawks a lot is that you can rent the room, you can rent a little room for four hours or something like that. They have different sizes of rooms. But if you don’t want to fuck in the public spaces, you can tell someone, come up to my room. That’s everybody’s favorite line, you’re sitting in the hot tub and touching each other and then you ask, “Do you want to come up to my room?” The ultimate pick up line. 

Vanessa: 

So that is actually a great segue to my next question, which is when you get to the club – this is something that I have heard both single people and couples ask is – “we want to find someone or someone to fuck, but we don’t know how. How do we know who wants what and whether they like us?”

Sometimes I’m an absurdly blunt person. I’ll just go up to someone and ask, “Hey, you’re cute, do you want to fuck?” I know that there are a variety of other ways of interacting with people that also work. So I’m wondering what your different approaches are, how you walk up to someone? 

Foxie: 

Yeah. I’m usually a very direct person as well. It’s kind of situational for me because again, the clubs have different vibes. I haven’t been to Provata, which is like the high end. But there it’s more couple-y I’ve heard. I apologize if that’s not the case. 

So at Hawks, it’s easy, like I said, you’re in the hot tub, you say, come up to my room. 

At Velvet Rope, it’s a little harder because you’re clothed. For me that’s harder because I feel like I try to seek out people that are more like me. I have a certain vibe that I’m looking for. When you’re all naked, that doesn’t matter so much, at least to me. So that’s a little harder just trying to socialize with people like you normally would at a bar. There a line is often, can I buy you a drink? 

Vanessa: 

So in that environment, there’s more of a step before sex. 

Foxie: 

Yeah, exactly. It’s a little more difficult that way. A good way to is just wander around the different rooms like I did and just say, oh, you’re hot or like, oh my God, look at that cock.

What’s another good one? You can just masturbate and people will come up to you in the spaces, or take your shirt off. If you’re sure that you want people to come up to you, that’s probably a good way to do it.

People I’ve found at sex clubs are more open to talking to each other and being direct about sex. Definitely. People know that’s why they’re there. That’s why I’m there. 

I feel like that’s a huge thing because I can’t go to bars and pick up people. That’s not like me. If I’m in a public space, I’m just very closed off. You could never tell that I thought you were cute. I wouldn’t flirt with you or anything. 

But in a sex club space, I’m allowed to do all the things so I’m going to do all the things. I’m going to ask for the things I want to like. I’m just going to tell everybody how I feel about them, like, oh my God, your tits are amazing. Or I like your dress. Oh my god, your ass looks amazing in that. Or whatever. I feel more free as a person there than I have anywhere else any, any other sort of social experience.

Vanessa: 

You’re more open to doing what you want with your body and expressing what you want.

I also find that people tend to make assumptions in other spaces, for example, when I go to a normative bar and I’m interested in hanging out or playing or flirting with other people, if I’m with one of my partners, I find that people will often leave me alone. I’m like, wait, no, why is me with another person there mean I’m not available to you? It’s the normative compulsory monogamy of U.S. society. 

Foxie: 

I do have a great story that I do want to share about a sex club. It’s a squirting story.

I had gone there with someone that I had met online and we had finished fooling around. Other people were interested, too. So they’ll sit around you or stand around watching, then ask you if they can interact with you afterwards. 

I said yeah. So he’s playing with my pussy and I squirt and hit a guy about four feet away. He jumps out of the way and just starts laughing. He was like, oh my god, that was great. 

Vanessa: 

And it’s something that your body does. And there he was. 

Foxie: 

Yeah. It was fun. I love sex, if you can’t tell. 

Vanessa: 

You mentioned that you do sometimes go alone to sex clubs which is awesome. I think a lot of people are intimidated to go out on dates with themselves in general, even to just going to eat some Thai food. But it’s especially true when going out to connect with other people. 

So can you tell us, what specifically is that like? And how do you get over any nervous feelings? 

Foxie: 

The nervous feelings are hard to get over, but I wouldn’t say get over them. I would say just power through. Do it anyway. Exactly. I want to do that. It’s okay to be nervous. It’s totally okay to be nervous. Everybody is. Everybody is going there, they want to meet somebody. They want to get their rocks off or whatever. 

Going by yourself is a trip. I feel like I’m a little shy. So I will just find myself a drink and sit in the hot tub for a bit until I see someone that I like or think is cute or I feel like I vibe with and I’ll slowly make my way over.

Plus, people will approach you more. So that’s the other thing, you have to be able to say no. If you cannot say no, you should not be going to a sex club. Because you’ll have a lot of people approaching you that you do not want to have sex with. 

Vanessa: 

I think that’s especially true as a cisgender woman. 

Foxie: 

Yeah, absolutely. 

Vanessa: 

I think also, anybody being able to receive no. Because one of the things that I think made what you were doing possible and like you were describing at the beginning, saying, can I touch your tits, is that you were comfortable with the possibility of them saying, no, we just want to play on our own.

Foxie: 

Yeah, exactly. They said yes, but it also would have been okay if they said no. Everybody there is different. Some couples are there just to watch and they want to fuck each other. They don’t want to fuck anyone else. 

You run into all the different scenarios. You have to be able to be okay with someone saying no to you or being able to say no to something. I’ve said that to people many times, no, no thank you. Or I’ve used “maybe later” and then got lost. 

Vanessa: 

Which leaves open the possibility in the future. 

Foxie: 

Yeah, and then an hour from now, I might be like “Everyone, enter.”

Vanessa: 

One of the questions that I get a lot from people, in particular couples or people who have been out of relationships for a very long time and are starting to explore this idea of non-monogamy or slutty life, will wonder: how do we avoid unwanted voyeurism, sexual assault or unsolicited touching. And then especially, how do we avoid getting STIs? It’s a really common question I hear. 

What are some of the things that you see people do effectively to help promote safety? And what do you do to take care of yourself?

Foxie: 

I set myself certain rules. I usually do this internally. It’s not really an external thing. 

If I want to be alone or if I want to be alone with someone, I make sure the door is closed and locked. You can do that at all the clubs except for Sanctuary. You can’t do that at Sanctuary because it’s all one big open space. But all the other clubs in the area you can. 

You can lock the door. If you want people to watch you leave the door open. If you want people to come in, maybe leave a sign saying open for open for pleasure, I’ve done that before. 

There are all sorts of ways to make sure you’re safe. I would check out the website for the club that you’re going to to find out if they have private spaces if you’re looking for that experience. Do your research because if you have particular interests then you need to know beforehand what you’re getting into. 

As for STIs, just wear condoms. Everybody wears condoms. You can choose not to wear a condom with someone, but if you’re worried about STIs, don’t do that. 

Vanessa: 

In Cliff Media shoots, often you’ll see videos where we’re not wearing condoms. And that’s because everyone participating has applied and submitted their STI test results. It’s not very common in my experience – but things may be different in different places – for people on the dance floor to bring up MyChart on their phone and say “Hey, want to go in the back room? Here are my STI results.” 

Foxie: 

Yeah. Make sure people are wearing condoms. That’s one thing I worry about is that sometimes you can’t always see if someone’s wearing a condom. So make sure your fingers are there or use your eyes to look at their junk. if you’re worried about that, be aware. 

Vanessa: 

That’s where it can come in handy, like if you’re doing a female gloryhole or a big gangbang, to have a monitor there that’s supporting you. Bring a friend or a partner. 

Foxie: 

Exactly. It’s nice to have somebody there that can spot you.

Vanessa: 

Alright, let’s break it up for a second, because we know that sex clubs aren’t all about serious sexual health questions and hard gangbang fucking. There’s also a lot of silly things that go on. So can you tell us about something completely ridiculous or silly or funny that you saw? 

Foxie: 

I have dressed up, I haven’t worn a costume, but I’ve seen people wear costumes. There was a fairy thing theme. And this one woman had this breastplate on. That was fucking fantastic. Actually, the most ridiculous thing about a sex love is if they have food there. I don’t understand that.

Vanessa: 

Nothing makes me want to fuck like a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs. 

Foxie: 

Exactly. So that’s kind of ridiculous. I think one of the funniest things at Hawk’s is when people get really crowded around your room trying to watch you. I think that’s funny. A lot of people hate that. But I’m like, yes, watch me, I want everyone to watch me.

Vanessa: 

I think what you just mentioned is one of the reasons why it’s great that there are sex clubs of so many different varieties, like you were talking about. There are some people who really just want private time and there’s some people like Foxie who are like, let it be all over the internet. 

Foxie: 

Exactly. 

Vanessa: 

So in Seattle, there’s Swirl, Sapphire and the Center for Sex-Positive Culture, among others. I’ve heard that there tends to be more sex clubs in some parts of the country than others, but there are definitely sex clubs or sex parties or sex houses everywhere. 

As someone who has done porn in the most parts of the country, I can tell you that there are slutty, horny people everywhere, which is no surprise. So Google “sex club” or “swingers club”. Or sometimes either Facebook or FetLife, you will find your people out there. 

Each of these different clubs has different kinds of culture, style, personality values. In your experience of the Portland clubs, can you tell us, what are some of the core differences that you’ve seen? And in particular when people are newer to this, what things are you looking for? 

Foxie: 

Yeah. I think a good entry club would be one like Sanctuary that is more open. There aren’t as many places to hide. It has a more social aspect, so that you don’t feel immediately pressured to  go into sex.

If you’re looking for a hardcore experience, then going to Velvet Rope or Hawks is great. You can also hide in those places if you start to feel like it’s too much for you. You can be in your own room. The Velvet Rope also has private rooms. They also have an area that’s just for couples and women. 

And so one last set of questions about sex clubs that I want to ask, we talk a lot at Cliff Media about creating a culture of inclusivity in sex-positive community. That includes thinking about ways to make spaces accessible to and loving for Black, Indigenous and people of color, queer and trans people, people of all different physical and cognitive abilities and neurodivergent and people of all different income levels.

Swinger culture tends to be disproportionately middle-aged, white, and middle income, more than the average population. So even as we’re creating a sense of sex-positive community, we also want to be thinking about, how do we create spaces that are available to and loving on everybody?

What practices have you seen at different clubs that make spaces more or less accessible and inclusive for everyone? And what might people want to be looking for when they’re looking for an inclusive club? 

Foxie: 

Well, I feel like the first one is the price point. They are clubs that are more expensive than others.

Also, I love clubs that have “bi nights” or will have a gangbang night, a certain theme, so that you know what you’re getting into. At Hawk’s, there they are really gung ho about the queer community. There’s a “trans night” too, which is fantastic. The kinds of things that they promote in their special events that they have going on will tell you what kind of people that they want to attract to their club.

So Hawk’s is about being inclusive and making sure that they attract queer and trans people. Velvet Rope is more about straight people. They do have a bi night every once in a while, but that’s more about cis dudes being able to get in there and do their thing. 

Vanessa: 

I’ve seen, for example, in the pricing, there are some clubs where, if you’re a couple, you get a discount or if you’re a woman, you get a discount. So those prices make a lot of assumptions about monogamy, about the idea that there are only two genders, and about men having a different kind of relationship to sexuality. So it expresses values when there’s less gendered pricing.

I’ve also seen places where Black, Indigenous and people of color can get tickets at different prices to increase the accessibility of the space. 

Also I think there are questions about whether the space itself is accessible. What does it look like for people of bodies that work in all different kinds of ways to be able to move about the space?

Lots of different things that websites help you understand about the club, the space, who are these people, what is this community. Because after that, at the end of the day, I think that that’s really what these are: incidents of building different kinds of community, rooted around shared interests, shared values. So you consider what kind of community you want to get into and begin to engage with and find your people. 

For those folks who have now heard Foxie and are 97% sure they want to go, any last recommendations to make it a good night for them?

Foxie: 

Dress as sexy as you possibly can. Wear something that makes you feel like you want to get fucked. Anything that makes you feel sexy is a sexy outfit. 

Vanessa: 

I love it. Thank you so much for joining us and sharing your sex club wisdom. 

And thank you all for joining us for this fun, silly and also meaningful conversation today.

This has been another episode of A Slut’s Guide to Happiness with your host Vanessa Cliff and our amazing guest, Foxie Roxy. 

You can find us wherever you get your podcasts, on Apple and Spotify as well as on Cliff Media’s website, cliffmediaproductions.com. 

Please help us by liking and sharing this podcast, and stay tuned for more deep dives into beautiful, messy waters. 

If you’re over the age of 18, you can check out our video content on cliffmediaproductions.com

And most of all, I invite you to join us in the pleasure of being awkwardly human, naked and without pretense. 

Let’s get free.