"Whore", defined: sex worker. But if you look up "whore" in any dictionary, the definition is almost always followed by words like "derogatory" or "offensive"....
Read MoreWritings from Cliff Media, a community-based porn production company.
Like many good-hearted people, I used to push myself to have sex until my play partner or romantic partner came. That’s the dominant narrative, right? If you’re a good person, you should make sure everyone is sexually fulfilled. Ending sex when you’re done or when you feel like it is selfish.
My take: choosing to respect yourself is not selfish, but “self-full”.
To quote a psychology article:
“When someone is self-full, they learn to listen to their internal world and connect with themselves from a place of compassion and kindness. They have healthy self-esteem and a balanced energy system.”
This feels especially true related to sex, an act that is meant, when rooted in enthusiastic consent, as an expression of mutual desire, care or connection.
On the receiving end of the equation: Do you really want your partner doing sex acts with you that they don’t want to do, having sex with you when they’re no longer in a sexual headspace, or fucking you out of obligation?
Nothing about that, to me, sounds hot or loving – to my partner or to myself.
It took until very recently for me to decide to say “fuck that noise”. And it’s been unbelievably freeing.
There are a lot of misconceptions about having a high sex drive or being slutty, but the truth is that neither means I want sex all the time.
Like anyone, my sex drive fluctuates. Some moments I can’t get enough. I want All The Sex, often with All The People. Some moments I begin thinking about other things, my body gets tired or sore, or I’m just not horny anymore. The difference between rabid desire and feeling fulfilled is often a tipping of the scale, the fuck tank fills up, it dings, and I’m sufficed, I’m no longer interested.
While I’m doing SW, of course I continue anyway. In any customer service job, sometimes you don’t want to ring up people’s items or sweep the floor, just like sometimes you don’t want to fuck. But SW is real work, sex is what you were hired to do, so you do the job.
Personal life is different. In my personal life, I recently started experimenting with allowing myself to stop fucking when I don’t want to. It sounds basic when put like that, but somehow we’ve collectively developed this strange narrative that it’s wrong.
The result from this transformative choice?
It can be scary at first and perhaps difficult to not feel guilty because it butts up against embedded cultural ideas about what it means to “be giving”.
But I encourage you to give it a try, remembering that it’s okay to experience fluctuating sexual desire, sex feels best for everyone when it’s rooted in authentic desire rather than obligation, and you deserve to have self-respecting boundaries.
On the other side of this choice is freedom and a sigh of relief.
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