Welcome back to A Slut’s Guide to Happiness, where your body is perfectly imperfect and it’s safe to be as sexual, kinky, queer, or slutty as you want. 

Today, I am excited to talk with Azura, who is a business owner of an incredible independent sewing company. I want to shout it out because I am so inspired by the power and bravery that she has in putting out her artwork into the world. It’s called Candy Ghoul. It includes corsets and kinky shirts. Actually, one of our friends is wearing one of those shirts in the kitchen right now, and it looks so cute. And powerful. Like, it has lots of really meaningful designs. 

So check out her work on Instagram. And what’s your website?

Azura: 

CandyGhoul.com

Vanessa: 

Okay, folks. CandyGhoul.com. I’m serious. There’s some fun stuff to see. And also, yay for supporting independent businesses and queer folks and women and Black and sex-positive businesses that are out there. So check it out. 

Azura is also a performer with Cliff Media and the treasurer of Cliff University, which is a parallel nonprofit focused on community education around similar themes.

Today Azura and I are going to be talking about a topic that I think a lot of us can relate to. When you get into a relationship, especially the way that normative society thinks about monogamous or committed relationships, it’s easy to get stuck. This is true even in a poly relationship. The idea of becoming a unit and accommodating yourself to the other person can make it really hard for us to continue pursuing being our whole selves.

So I was really inspired when Azura was first sharing her story about this, the way that you went through the journey of finding your way out and towards a more self-authored life. I think this is a really beautiful story for us to learn from. I’m excited to know more. 

I do want to offer a trigger warning for anyone. Part of the story does include some conversation about suicidal ideation. So if that’s something that doesn’t feel right for you in your life right now, feel free to take care of yourselves. And for other folks. I’m grateful you’re joining us and, Azura, I’m very grateful that you are here and sharing your story.

Azura: 

Thank you for having me.

Vanessa: 

To the extent that you feel comfortable – please feel free to express your boundaries, especially any of the stuff that feels heavy – could you share that moment when you first came to Washington and you’re having a tough time in your life? What was going on there? 

Azura: 

When I first moved out to Washington, I did not expect to live past two weeks. I had literally put in my “two weeks notice for life” as I said, because dark humor is how I coped with it. My best friend knew I was really set on it. Instead of trying to talk me down off the ledge, she just said, if that is what it is, maybe spend your last two weeks out here with me. 

I thought, I have nothing else left to lose. So, I packed up the things that I wanted to take with me in a 4’ x 8’ and towed it across the country with a friend and made my way here. 

Vanessa: 

Wow. So you were in Georgia in that relationship, and you’re just decided that you were going to kill yourself. You were done with living life, is that right? And then just came to Washington. What happened? I mean, clearly you’re still alive. You continued after those two weeks. What happened? 

Azura: 

It was a really difficult time, both mentally and physically, because I was also going through withdrawal from my medication at the time. I just couldn’t get in to see a doctor for three months, and so I had to quit cold turkey. It was really tough. I don’t remember too much of those three months. It was weird. 

There was a lot of crying, and just trying to find a place, I guess. I was still done, but we took time to just let me grieve. I spent a lot of time in nature, hiking and things like that.

Eventually I did get a job at Target, and just started over. I literally lived on her couch for a year and a half. 

Vanessa: 

It’s incredible that you were in such a hard place. The way that you got out was by deciding you were completely done with everything, with life, with living in that state, with doing whatever job you were doing there, with all the people that were there. You just completely reinvented yourself as a way of getting out. 

So I’d like to go back to that relationship. We just talked about what I heard you describe as rock bottom. I want to go back to a different time. 

If it feels comfortable thinking about, because I know that life isn’t black and white and there was a reason you were in the relationship in the first place, I’m wondering if you can talk about, what were some of those positive things initially, especially what draw drew you to live with this person and to be with them? 

Azura: 

Now that I look back. Maybe there weren’t too many positives. I was just in another desperate situation where I was stuck in an abusive household. I was just like, I can’t stay in that house anymore. I was living with my mom at the time and it was just like walking on eggshells. That’s really exhausting mentally. 

So I met my then partner while volunteering at a convention. I volunteered for some in 2016. I told them what was going on because I was also in a different relationship. We didn’t start off dating, we were just hooking up and said, you can stay at my place until you find somebody to room with.

I looked everywhere for people offering a room to live. I didn’t want to just move in with anyone. I’m very particular about who I spend my time and my energy around. But we vibed really well, so we just came to an agreement and he was like, okay, I guess you could stay. 

We started dating and like March 2018, I think officially, and it wasn’t always bad. They were really resourceful and open to educating people and wanting to give back to the community. And they liked animals too. They didn’t have any, but they still did a lot for animals. I trust people generally who are really good with animals. 

But there’s just so much more to it that came out and unfolded over at the time, things that just weren’t present there before. 

Vanessa: 

So as you were living with them more, you started seeing minor things, little things that cropped up that didn’t feel safe or didn’t feel like the best relationship for you. 

What are some of the things that first gave you some red or yellow flags that this might not be a good situation for you?

Azura: 

Well, the first sign should have been when they put my shit outside when we had a disagreement for the first time. It was the stupidest thing. 

I just wanted a ride home from work after a long day, and they couldn’t get me. I didn’t have money for an Uber or Lyft. I had a friend who also just happened to be my ex. They said, “I can grab you, no problem.” 

My partner at the time had the biggest fit about it. I didn’t get home till like maybe 12 and I came home to my bins outside. We got into a horrible screaming match. My sister had to come and mediate. It was a whole thing. 

That was a fun lesson about boundaries and paying attention to people’s behavior. It took him two or three years to actually get around to apologizing for that, which is out of the four we were together, which was wild.

So yeah, pay attention to people’s behavior in the beginning because it’s the subtle things, or even not subtle things, that they may only do once that always loom over you, keeping you in fear of placing your own boundaries. 

Vanessa: 

Did you feel like there was space in the relationship, space and time for you to be yourself and do the things that you loved doing, express yourself in the way you like being in the world?

Azura: 

I thought there was, but this is also the second person that told me that I took up too much space, and that I expanded to fill any area that I was given. 

My partner was a minimalist. I’m not really a minimalist. I come from a family, they’re not hoarders, but they hold onto things. I did have to learn how to let go of certain stuff. You don’t have to have everything that everyone gives you. 

That was a good lesson, but also the way that they phrased it really sat in me and hurt me for a long time. I’m still struggling to undo that and to learn that it’s okay to be in a space. 

Vanessa: 

Because they weren’t just saying there are a lot of things. They were saying you take up too much space. 

Azura: 

Yeah. Just like me and my hobbies and my stuff. 

Vanessa: 

Oh yeah. Because it’s so beautiful to see the way that you take up space now but that was cultivated over time. 

Can you tell me about, I think one of the things that I imagine that people struggle with in relationships that keeps them stuck is, there’s this list of pros, like this person likes animals, this person is good for the community. And then there are little things that you start seeing where they maybe chip away your freedom or your happiness or other aspects that are good in your life. 

You mentioned your stuff was pushed out. You also mentioned that they criticized your hobbies and the space that you took up in the house. Were there any other little things that came up that you started seeing that were hard for you in that relationship? 

Azura: 

Probably the misogyny, like they didn’t respect people who did sex work of different forms. I grew up in a household where if you had to do something strange for some change like that is what it is. So their criticism definitely impacted me. 

I’m not going to lie, I did end up shifting my viewpoint a little bit to be in more alignment with them because I was afraid of being more myself. I just found myself doing a lot of things to accommodate and to please, to fit in a certain box that really wasn’t me.

Vanessa: 

I think that I’ve experienced personally that that’s a really common thing. There are lots of theories about that way that that’s attached to childhood and attachment. Whether you’ve experienced abuse in the past. Do you have a sense, you know, and without needing to dive into painful childhood trauma or anything, but just in general for yourself, like, why you felt compelled to try to please them or to accommodate them?

Azura: 

I just didn’t see any other way, really. I wanted to stay and make things work, and I felt like these weren’t major things, but maybe they really were in hindsight. I just didn’t see. Like the hair cutting thing. 

Vanessa: 

What was the hair thing? 

Azura: 

I like my hair short, which everybody knows. But I used to have a really big fro. I was gradually getting shorter and shorter. They looked at my like “hm”. They’re the type that likes longer hair on women. But it was so expensive. I was constantly breaking things and pouring so much money into products and all that stuff.

So I just cut my hair on accident, really short. They didn’t hate it, but I was like, I love it. So I started going even shorter and dying it different colors because I was in a job that would let me do that. They said, “I don’t really like it. It’s not my favorite. But you do you.” That attitude where they’re trying not to make you feel guilty about it, but still making you feel guilty about it at the same time.

Vanessa: 

It wasn’t super supportive of your choices, of how you express yourself in your body. So you’ve told me about one particular moment that was potentially kind of breaking point, the argument that you had and that started, I think, in the kitchen? 

Azura: 

Yeah. There was an argument we got into, I don’t even remember what it was. It was like the dumbest thing. I think they had touched something of mine. I said, hey, don’t do that or don’t mess with my stuff. I get very protective of my stuff because of that first incident and because I grew up with my mom just being really controlling of my space. I said, don’t do that. 

We got into it and it got really bad. Then they thought I went to bother them in their room or something after the argument. I was like, no, we have cats. Maybe the cats were rattling the door or something, I don’t know.  They never believed me. 

They were so sure to the point that I was starting to question myself. Was I having an episode or something? I don’t think I was, even to this day, I’m not even sure. But I’ve just gotten to a point where I don’t care anymore. Because I know I would never do anything like that. 

We got into a really bad argument, and he just didn’t talk to me for about a week. We live in the same house and people who know me or people who are really close to me know that not talking to me like that just kind of destroys me on the inside a little bit. 

I pick up on what other people feel. When people are purposely, cold or cruel towards me, it is terrible. It sucks. So it just got really ugly. 

After that, it went downhill for me in terms of my physical, mental and emotional health. We did eventually talk things out. Because I literally wasn’t sleeping well, I didn’t feel safe in the house anymore. It was bad. I couldn’t feel like I could leave because I’d have to get buzzed into the gate. It was a complicated situation. 

Vanessa: 

He would have to buzz you in?

Azura: 

Yeah, because there was no box outside. The apartment complex ran on an app. So I didn’t want to even bother them about being let in or something. Then at one point, I was, like, if I can’t get back in, it is what it is. I don’t care. 

Vanessa: 

So you were just staying in the house, having difficulty sleeping, feeling unsafe. What do you mean by feeling unsafe?

Azura: 

I don’t know. I didn’t feel comfortable or safe around that person anymore. It was just really shitty being isolated like that. I reached out to friends, and no one really wanted to help. The only person that could help me was across the country, which is why I moved out here.

Vanessa: 

So you were isolated in your home and couldn’t get out. That’s terrifying that you were stuck there and you’re stuck with this person who you feel unsafe with. Was that the moment that led to moving to Washington, where you started thinking about killing yourself? Or were there other things involved during that time? 

Azura: 

I was already feeling that way, but it wasn’t until after we had talked and sorted things out that I kind of had a deja vu moment in the kitchen where I feared it would all happen again. That’s when I decided I have to go. 

Vanessa: 

So when you move to Washington, you just grab some of your stuff. How did you communicate that, if at all, to your partner? How did you leave? Because that was a powerful choice. You were stuck inside and then all of a sudden you were completely gone.

Azura: 

Yeah, I left a lot of stuff, some stuff I regret leaving, but it was just material. I didn’t care because I was at a spot where I felt like I owed that person so much of my life. I never want to feel like this ever again, feeling literally indebted to somebody that you feel like you might as well just owe them your life. 

Vanessa: 

Because they helped you with housing? 

Azura:

We had been together for four years. They convinced me that they genuinely cared. Any decisions they made were for the both of us. They would say, I don’t understand why you can’t trust me completely. And it’s because I need people who will communicate with me. If I don’t understand something, tell me, explain it to me. Even doing that was like too much work for them sometimes.

Vanessa: 

I don’t know if this feels true for you, but one of the things I’ve heard from other people is a feeling of guilt that even if it was a situation of domestic violence, that you also love that person and you feel guilty about leaving them. Did that come out to play for you?

Azura: 

I felt guilty in the sense of like, it’s just that indebted feeling. That’s probably where it stems from. That’s why I left so much stuff, just because I don’t know what I can do to amount to all the help I’ve received. But it shouldn’t feel that way. 

Vanessa: 

Looking back on that situation, how do you feel about yourself in that choice? Has your opinion about leaving or that guilt that you experienced initially, has that evolved? 

Azura: 

I don’t really feel guilty anymore. If anything, the feeling has evolved in itself, through different types of feelings and emotions. Of course, I was angry at one point, like screw them, fuck this.

Now it’s just like, it is what it is. Hurt people hurt people, I guess. Even those that think they have good intentions, they’re not aware of how their actions and words affect other people. 

Vanessa: 

So you’re in Washington now. Let’s imagine that moment and you’re starting to connect to nature and you’re staying with your friend. You found this job at Target. You reinvented yourself. That is a huge, powerful, brave moment and transformative space. What did you begin to do to find yourself and create your own space outside of that relationship? 

Azura: 

A lot of it was just figuring out how I exist in this space. Even though I was on my best friend’s couch, she made space for me. She knew I had an altar before I left. So she made a space for me on her altar so I could have my own little piece. She didn’t get upset with me for things especially through the withdrawal and whatnot. She would work with me. It’s just the small things and the patience. 

Vanessa: 

That’s beautiful. I hear a kind of common theme of being able to own your physical space was important also for you feeling like you had emotional space to express yourself in the world. So, after you moved out from your friend’s place, what did you decide to do?

Azura: 

I ended up getting my own apartment and I had gotten a new job that was really great at the beginning. I got a place. I don’t even think we toured that many. I had started the process of looking at places myself while they were gone for holiday. I don’t even remember how I found where I currently am. I was just like, I think this is the right place as far as price point. Everything was really good. 

I went through some things to get to that place because between Target to that new job, there were some bumps in the road. I got another job like a month or two, maybe three months into Target for a chiropractic place. And that was so good. At least I thought it was. Cool. And then literally the week before my birthday, they let me go. She was just like, no, I’m not feeling it. The owner came in on a day she wasn’t supposed to be in the office. I was really confused because I’m the one who asked for a lot of feedback. I was doing that and I felt like I was catching on pretty well. 

So I didn’t work for a few months. I was looking for work, but ended up finding a different seasonal position somewhere else that was really nice. From that position, I found the one that helped me get my apartment.

Vanessa: 

I love the reminder and the reality that like, it’s great that you’re able to leave a relationship and it wasn’t just all rainbows and unicorns immediately thereafter. You also struggled. 

I want to know about what were some of the things, even as you were struggling, what were some of the things that you felt like, I love this life compared to that previous experience that you had in that unhealthy relationship?

Azura: 

That’s a really tough question because I still struggle to find things that I enjoy about this life. I kind of just feel like I always have a cloud. I’m working on trying to be present and enjoying friends, just enjoying being present in life. 

But, as far as something that I enjoy, I feel like I haven’t had that moment yet. I’ve had maybe instances of short bursts of happiness, but nothing where it was like, this is it for me. 

Vanessa: 

One of the things that is really inspiring to me is I see you starting your own path in a lot of ways in terms of your sexuality, your relationship style, your gender identity or gender expression in the world. And you’re running your own unique business. What about yourself gave you the permission to do those non-normative things in the world? How did you decide that it was okay to do that, to be that? 

Azura: 

A lot of it was just like, I’ve tried doing what I thought was the right thing and the right path and way to go about life. For example, getting the good job and getting the apartment and having your car paid off. But I wasn’t fulfilled. 

The same thing happened to me when I first started college. I was a psych major because I was like, I’ll do clinical psychology because I want to help out. Then I was miserable. I remember seeing arts students on the campus with their stuff and I was just like, I want to be doing that. I did switch the next year. I got into my dream school. I couldn’t go, though, because I couldn’t afford it and I couldn’t get help from my parents.

I ended up just not going back to school for a few years until I met my partner that we were talking about. Then I went back for business because I was like, okay, well, maybe I can either forge my own path with this or use it as a backup to get a job. 

It’s applied both ways, I guess you could say. I’ve started my own business, multiple types of businesses, and helped other people with theirs. And I’ve also been able to use that background for getting work as well. I majored in human resources, so that kind of helps being able to apply it to my life in both regards. It’s been really nice. It was unexpected. 

Vanessa: 

Yeah, that is really cool. You wanted to be an artist. Didn’t quite work to go to art school. But then you got a business degree and now you are doing art in the world, using your business to put it out there. You’re finding creative workarounds to do things you want to do. Even if the first door doesn’t open, you found another one. 

I want to close with a love note to people who maybe are stuck in relationships the way that you felt before. I know that’s true of a lot of us out there. I’m wondering if you have any thoughts and things you’d like to share with folks. 

Azura: 

Yeah, I have a piece that I wrote a couple of months ago just because I was really going through it, and I wanted to just work through that feeling of where I was and how I’ve progressed since that relationship. Writing’s like a really big thing for me, and I think if I do it’ll we’re going to get it right. 

Yeah. We’re almost there. Writings. And so, yeah, this is one of my late night ramble pieces as I wouldn’t even call them. This was Late Night Ramble Part Four.

It finally dawned on me the other night that I don’t remember my previous nesting partner’s phone number anymore.

When you’re with someone for 4+ years and then you split, it’s such an interesting experience. It feels like part of you has been ripped away, your soul gaping with a wound that you’re not sure will ever heal, but it’s simultaneously a fresh breath of air. You think that you’ve made the world’s biggest mistake, while also feeling a small morsel of relief from your freedom. It’s an absolute whirlwind.

They say time heals all wounds, but it’s hard to say if the soul ever truly heals from such a traumatic event. Mentally, emotionally, and physically connected; ways in which even words transcend. There might have been a time you thought that you literally could not live without that person, would leave everything to them because it felt like it was the least you could do. Your life barely feeling like it belongs to you, but there’s so much pain that you can’t bear it anymore.

For the longest time, you don’t realize that you’re not you anymore. It isn’t until you mischievously buy a red coat in what feels like a defiance of some sort that you start to feel free. You cut your hair. You show more skin. Get a piercing. Dye your hair. Do all the things to feel even an ounce of who you once were. But you’re still left wondering why their opinion still matters to you, even in the slightest. They don’t care about you. You’re not even a second thought anymore. So why, after what’s felt like an eternity, but also the blink of an eye?

All this is to say, if you’ve just split from someone, please be patient with yourself. The journey to healing is not linear, but it’s possible. There are days where it gets better, there are days where it gets worse. But all we can do in the end is simply take it one day at a time. Eventually, the pain in your soul will start to dull. And you might even find a someone who stirs a spark in your chest once more. But most importantly, you learn to just accept yourself. You did the best your could with what you knew at the time. And from this too you shall grow.

You’ve got this.

Vanessa: 

Oh, that was really beautiful. Thank you. I love the two ideas that I’ve heard shared here. Both, the incredible radical move that you grab as much of your stuff as you could move to Washington. And also the suggestion that you gave there any little thing to reclaim yourself, showing a little more skin, changing the color of your hair, little ways to to get yourself back when you’re so stuck. 

And I love closing with that reminder to be gentle with yourself when a decision like leaving a relationship is hard and it doesn’t necessarily immediately result in something, easy. But it’s still, hopefully a net positive, getting to a space of a little bit more freedom. 

Azura, thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences, all the beautiful things that you have learned from this. 

This has been another edition of A Slut’s Guide to Happiness with your host, Vanessa Cliff, and our incredible, beautiful guest, Azura.

You can find us wherever you get your podcasts, including Apple and Spotify, as well as on cliffmediaproductions.com

Please help us share the message of inclusive, sex-positive life by downloading, liking or sharing this podcast. 

Stay tuned for more deep dives into the beautiful, messy waters. 

If you’re over the age of 18, you can also check out our video content on our website, including this amazing human who just starred in a video called Fever Dreams. That’s on cliffmediaproductions.com 

And most of all, I invite you to join us in the pleasure of being awkwardly human, naked and without pretense. 

Let’s get free.